I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
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People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.