I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
🤣could you imagine
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.