I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
What number SPF blocks people?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I have so many questions.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.