I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.