@mdob11

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

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@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@KalvinMacleod

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

@Browtweaten

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

@anildash

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

@online_shawn

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

@alldrolledup

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

@rocknthepurple

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@WilliamAder

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.