I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again


ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?


Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas


son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah


As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.


My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.


He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’


2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.