I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
no their not
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Just me and my debit card against the world
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”