I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
U talkin 2 me?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?