@mrt1m

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

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@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@Not_From_Troy

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

@Jez1

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

@NotthatAdamWest

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

@Jimboleem

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@Wieneraaron

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.