I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
getting groceries
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Yes
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal