I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”


I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.


*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel


Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.



Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.


[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*


You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.


I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”