I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

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I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.


Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers


My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.


What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.


“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe


It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.


I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.


Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.


This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.