I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier