I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes