I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I laughed at this way too hard.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast