I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.