I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My Plans 2020
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*