@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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@funflaps

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

@ozzyunc

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

@iamrandomape

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

@daemonic3

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

@KattsDogma

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

@Puercotron

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

@awkwardphilippe

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

@eligoldstone

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?