I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.


Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly


Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.


I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.


I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.


Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.


If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.


People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?


My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.


Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?