@Aspersioncast So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
@SamGrittner I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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@Aspersioncast 
@trashcanbee Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
@Stellacopter Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
@NYC_Blonde I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
@QwertyJones3 I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
@iRowlf Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
@usedwigs If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
@theAtomicDon People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
@MoistPork My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
@NYC_Blonde Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?