@SamGrittner

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

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@Aspersioncast

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

@trashcanbee

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

@Stellacopter

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

@QwertyJones3

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@usedwigs

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

@theAtomicDon

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

@MoistPork

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

@NYC_Blonde

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?