@curlymalloy I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
@SamGrittner I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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@curlymalloy 
@causticbob Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
@UnfilteredMama My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
@ericsshadow I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
@UncleDuke1969 [loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
@OllyiConic kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
@CourtneyBale Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
@RobDenBleyker I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
@Cpin42 HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
@TheWidowmakerX When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying