I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.