I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
adam and eve had first world problems
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!