I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The three genders.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.