I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
FRED: right
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Every haunted house movie:
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*