I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Baking is just science you can eat.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Cheers Twitter.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist