I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
oh my god
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.