I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.