@Lin_Baker

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

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@stephenjmolloy

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@squirrel74wkgn

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@IfIwassomething

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

@nuclearpasta_

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

@T_Bonezzz_

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

@dishs_up

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money