*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money