I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Smells like a challenge to me