‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.