i choose….tongue
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5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?