I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
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[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol