I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
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5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
October already? What’s next? November????
I only treason on days ending in y
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
oh shit
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Wait a minute…
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor