“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Software Development ⛵️
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works