I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.