I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I put the h in mysterious.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro