I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.