I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
me when i see my girls butt
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.