I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*seductively corrects your posture*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Happy weekend !