I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair