I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
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My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.