I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Donkey Kong sommelier
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.