I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy