I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
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Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.