*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
S/o to @funTweeters .
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.