Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

A choir of Spring onions

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths