I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u