I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*


Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁


Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.


ME: hey did u get my letter?


ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what


[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*


Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.


Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.


I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.