@MollyCocktail My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
@IamJackBoot I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
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@MollyCocktail 
@CliffDuffy Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
@radtoria Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
@Darlainky Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
@PhuckinCody ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
@JohnLyonTweets [business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
@AlanFelyk Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
@elle91 Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
@Bizarro_Mark I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
@JebTheJarhead Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.