I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
You Might Also Like
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right