I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm