I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.