I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
All excellent questions
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear