I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.