I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
🖤✌🏽
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup