I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
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When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
taking June’s advice to heart
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.