@DrunjAF

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

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@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@joejwest

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

@_NTFG_

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@dshack8

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

@_doorbeing

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

@joeldanger

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

@fullofmonsense

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

@iamjohnsarris

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”