I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch