I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.