I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My wife has the worst taste in men.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.