I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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Cartman: Respect my
a a
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”