I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Namaste
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here