I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
thanksgiving in nutshell
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”